you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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