Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
