you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
