I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
