The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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