I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
