I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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