I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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