Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
