His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
ttyl tear gas
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
