My first STD was from a foam party
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
