I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
