I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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