bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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