I think scott just propositioned me for sex
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
