nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
