She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
