I wish I could punch you in the face.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
