We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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