Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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