the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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