I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
