I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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