Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
