You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My life is pants optional.
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