On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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