My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
