Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
