just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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