Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
