Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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