she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
