Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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