dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
