Moan for me like Helen Keller
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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