i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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