Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
