New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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