youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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