I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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