and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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