My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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