I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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