i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
