nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
