I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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