I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
