and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
