The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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