im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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