I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
