I puked a lego.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
