Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
