i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
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one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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