Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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